Putin & Trump Sr

The BBC now only existed as a branch of The Lebvedev Group, and was available on subscription. Jemima Paxman was the controller and Quentin Dimbleby its News Director. They are having a business lunch at The French House in Soho, discussing the now inevitable war looming between the Americans and the Russians. They are fine-tuning their broadcasting strategy for when the conflagration erupts. Britain is still fiercely pro-American, but Vassili Lebvedev will be expecting a pro-Russian slant. They had been informed that President Eric Trump was scheduled to meet President Vladimir Putin.

Eric Trump had taken over The Real Republican Party when his brother Donald Junior had been gunned down in Miami, and had won a landslide victory at the last presidentials. Putin had been talked by the Supreme Praesidium into accepting another 20-year extension to his presidency. The Himalaya will have to wait another twenty years, he had said wryly. Although only a few years from his hundredth birthday, he was in stunning form, still riding twenty kilometres on his horse Kosmos every morning. Before breakfast, and bare-backed.

Neither Paxman nor Dimbleby knew this, but the two presidents had spoken on the Nuclear Hotline and had agreed to meet in The Clarion in Helsinki.

The strength of the arsenal of each country is a moot point since it is obvious that they both have enough weapons to annihilate the whole world 2500 times over. The Russians rely on the Tu0222 MS04 bomber which can carry up to sixty missiles, whilst the Americans will be relying on their UGM-87 submarine missile launchers. Neutral experts agree that these two doomsday killers are equal in units of destruction.

The conflict has been brewing ever since an SU-61 crashed near a US base in Elief Ringnes Island in the Arctic Archipelago. This, it is necessary to recall, was the site of the US-Canada conflict of twelve years ago which was amicably settled when the Americans paid Corentin Trudeau’s government an undisclosed number of Miller JFX-47 jet fighters to sign off this ice rock to them. The Americans accused the Russians of spying but denied that they brought the Tupolev down, suggesting that it had crashed in bad weather. There had been ultimata after ultimata, and the situation now is that the Americans demand an official apology whilst the Russians demand a financial settlement on the loss of their most valuable plane.

Dimbleby himself fronted the ten o’clock news that night. “The situation is critical,” he began, “ unless Presidents Trump and Putin reach an unexpected compromise, Russia and America are going to start the last world war,” Quentin paused before adding, “I say last, because with the number of nuclear warheads expected to be launched, we may as well call it Doomsday.”

At about the same time, the two presidents, each with a staff of 3 aides took their seats in the Conference Room of The Clarion. Eric Trump and Vladimir Putin each had an aide on either side and one behind them, and in front of them files and documents spread on the table. The aides were whispering points to be made to their respective presidents, but it seemed obvious that neither man was listening.

I thought his father Donald was one of the most unattractive human beings on the planet. He scarcely looked human. How could he have fathered such a beautiful son? My heart is beating twice as fast. I never knew that the sight of a man could produce this effect in me. Have I really been an unknowing homosexual all these years? I can’t think, I can’t breathe.

This man is nearly a hundred, and I who have hated gays more than daddy hated brown and black folks, can’t keep my eyes off him. It’s ten years since Lara and I even shared a bed, and look at the state I’m in now. Didn’t know I could still get it up, praise the lord. Hallelujah.

The two presidents felt oppressed and on a sudden impulse each stood up and made for the door, explaining to their aides in their own language that they needed to go out on the balcony for some air.

When they reached the balcony without a word they threw themselves in each other’s arms. And the rest is history.

And thus was the planet spared.

Prizewinning playwright. Mathematician. Teacher. Professional Siesta addict.

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