Theatre of he Absurd
Mr Weast’s Day in Court
Scene: A Court of Justice with Judge, guards, barristers, jury and members of the public in attendance. A policeman brings handcuffed accused, Mr Weast in and guides him to the box of he accused.
Clerk: Ladies and gentlemen, the first case before Judge Bewell this morning is that of Mr Weast. (Defers to Prosecutor)
Prosecutor: (reading a text) The accused Jonathan Horatio Weast did, on Monday the thirtieth of February two thousand and twenty of our lord, unlawfully break into Number 19, Dormant Avenue, London SE57, the residence of Mr and Mrs Haverall and their three children, and shoot them while they were asleep, and took off with money and jewellery worth five hundred thousands pounds.
Judge: Jonathan Horatio Weast, how do you plead?
Weast: Not guilty, your honour.
Judge: Defence counsel, the floor is yours.
Def. Counsel: Members of the Jury, I submit to you that this is a case of mistaken identity.
Judge: And how, might I ask, do you intend to establish that, learned counsel?
Def. Counsel: I shall be calling witnesses, your honour, who will testify that my client could not have been anywhere near London SE57 on the night of the murder, and therefore could not have been the man who killed the Haverall family. I call the first witness.
Clerk: Will Mr Jones come to he witness stand.
Witness 1 walks to the Stand.
Clerk: Place your hand on the bible and …
Witness 1: I know, I know … I swear.
Judge: Highly irregular, but go ahead Counsel.
Def. Counsel : Mr Jones, tell us how you spent the night of the thirtieth February 2020. Answer the judge.
Witness 1: Well your honour, I barged into Mr Weast at New Street _
Judge: That’s New Street Station in Birmingham?
Witness 1: Yes, your honour… and we spent the day together. In the evening we went for a drink and as he had missed his train back, I let him sleep on my sofa.
Def. Counsel: And he was under your roof for the whole night of the thirtieth February.
Witness 1: Well, we had breakfast together next morning.
Def. Counsel: That’s the morning of February the thirty first?
Witness 1: Indeed.
Def. Counsel: Thank you, Mr Jones.
Clerk: Will Mr Smith come to the Witness stand.
Witness 2 walks to the Stand
Clerk: Place your hand on the bible and …
Witness 2: I know, I know … I swear.
Judge: Highly irregular, but go ahead Counsel.
Def. Counsel : Mr Smith, tell us how you spent the night of the thirtieth February 2020. Answer the judge.
Witness 2: Well your honour, I barged into Mr Weast outside Piccadilly Station_
Judge: That’s Piccadilly Station in Manchester?
Witness 2: Yes, your honour … and we spent the day together. In the evening we went for a drink and as he had missed his train back, I let him sleep on my sofa.
Def. Counsel: And he was under your roof for the whole night of the thirtieth February.
Witness 2: Well, we had breakfast together next morning.
Def. Counsel: That’s the morning of February the thirty first?
Witness 2: Indeed.
Def. Counsel: Thank you, Mr Smith.
Clerk: Will Mr Hughes come to the Witness stand.
Witness 3 walks to the Stand
Clerk: Place your hand on the bible and …
Witness 3: I know, I know … I swear.
Judge: Highly irregular, but go ahead Counsel.
Def. Counsel : Mr Hughes, tell us how you spent the night of the thirtieth February 2020. Answer the judge.
Witness 3: Well your honour, I barged into Mr Weast outside the Central Station_
Judge: Central Station in Cardiff?
Witness 3: Yes your honour …and we spent the day together. In the evening we went for a drink and as he had missed his train back, I let him sleep on my sofa.
Def. Counsel: And he was under your roof for the whole night of the thirtieth February.
Witness 3: Well, we had breakfast together next morning.
Def. Counsel: That’s the morning of February the thirty first?
Witness 3: Indeed.
Def. Counsel: Thank you, Mr Hughes.
Clerk: Will Mr McDonald come to the Witness stand.
Witness 4 walks to the Stand
Clerk: Place your hand on the bible and …
Witness 4: I know, I know … I swear.
Judge: Highly irregular, but go ahead Counsel.
Def. Counsel : Mr McDonald, tell us how you spent the night of the thirtieth February 2020. Answer the judge.
Witness 4: Well your honour, I barged into Mr Weast outside Waverley_
Judge: That’s Waverley station in Edinburgh?
Witness 4: Yes your honour, and we spent the day together. In the evening we went for a drink and as he had missed his train back, I let him sleep on my sofa.
Def. Counsel: And he was under your roof for the whole night of the thirtieth February.
Witness 4: Well, we had breakfast together next morning.
Def. Counsel: That’s the morning of February the thirty first?
Witness 4: Indeed.
Def. Counsel: Thank you, Mr McDonald. If it pleases your lordship, I have seven more witnesses_
Judge: I think they may be superfluous as you’ve made your case abundantly clear already. And brilliantly if I may say so.
Prosecutor: Your honour, I submit that these testimonies seem to me to be highly flawed.
Judge: Are you suggesting, my learned friend, that these men who have sworn on the bible are untruthful?
Prosecutor: They obviously can’t be all telling the truth your honour.
Judge: I grant you that you may have a point, but my point is that, equally, they can’t all have lied. I instruct the jury to bear that in mind when they reach a verdict.
