The Sea-sick Billionaire
Dedicated to Bassim Haidar
A mild child
on the continent dark and wild
Mum hired for him a Mammy
to avoid the piccaninny
make sure he didn’t roam
too far from home.
He had a swimming pool
and didn’t go to school
Twas mum who taught him
and dad who bought him
books and toys
no need to play with other boys.
.
He didn’t really like swimming
but dad forced him
one day he nearly drowned
and only came round
after resuscitation
which was the justification
for his life-long fear of water
something one feels he didn’t oughta.
He liked cous cous and pili pili
And dad called him a silly billy
for not liking smoked salmon
or the best British gammon.
.
Dad taught him that only donors
to provincial governors
ever prospered in trade
and quick learner he was soon made.
He came to the Youkay
ready to make his learning pay
forking out the required subs
to join useful clubs
to the right parties donating
the right people frequenting
smart and debonair
at thirty he was a millionaire.
.
His ingrained wisdom
taught him to opt for non-dom
reliant on the laws lax
to avoid paying tax
One becoming two and two four
thirty-two soon became sixty-four
the man was floating on air
sure that a billionaire
he’d be in the near future
Oh frabjous rapture!
He bought himself a yacht
Tho’ past history suggest perhaps he ought not.
.
The thought of sailing the Atlantic
made him fearsome and frantic
but if you buy a yacht you face the music
five minutes on board he was violently sea-sick
and horrified the PM his guest most eminent
by vomiting on his accoutrement.
Confined to his cabin
he moaned I’m a has-been
For what good will it profit a man if he has a yacht
And is then let down by his gut
Good-bye knighthood, farewell O.B.E.
My kingdom to be a real he!
