The Rehabilitation of Nero
It took two millennia for Nero
To go from zero to hero
The simple truth is that history
Is writ by whoever won victory
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Vespasian drove Nero to suicide
That, historians have not denied
So he painted him in a bad light
Making Romans think he was all right
-
When Rome burnt Nero was out of town
So he could not have been around
Therefore not guilty of the fiddling
Charge that his enemies have been peddling
-
When the fire finally died out
There was much misery about
And Nero’s efforts were tireless
To comfort and rehouse the homeless
-
He opened the spared granary stores
For the hungry and soothed their sores
To rebuilt the city that was burnt
He left not a single stone unturned
-
Nero did not kick Poppaea
When pregnant in the urethra
The poor thing just had a miscarriage
His enemies lied to ruin his image
-
His wife’s death made him disconsolate
Living he couldn’t contemplate
Begging Zeus for a quick quietus
Until he minded the slave Sporus
-
Though a man he looked like his late wife
As if she had come back to life
Perhaps he can soften my sorrow
Thought he, and put an end to my woe
-
He ordered him to be castrated
And to his chamber relocated
He renamed the slave Poppaea
Henceforth every night he fucked with her
-
That he ordered his own mamma killed
Is a rumour as yet unstilled
Whether this charge is fair or unfair
This poet will leave it in the air
