Massage

Letter to my Constituency MP.

Right Honourable Lady,

Infringement of The Trade Description Act 1968

I am writing to you to complain about a blatant breaking of the Trade Description Act 1968, in the hope that you will take action against the party I am referring to: Blue Parrot Massage Parlour, of 32, Princess Mews, Edinburgh.

On the 7th. October 2024, passing outside the aforementioned premises, feeling pain on my shoulders, I decided to enter the parlour for a massage. I was asked to pay £30 at the door, and tip the masseuse, £50, £75 or £80 depending on the length of the massage I required.

A beautiful young lady approached me and asked me to follow her downstairs, in a small room full of mirrors. I wondered why, but said nothing. She introduced herself to me: Hot Lips Sue. Strange name, I thought, but again said nothing. She gave me a large towel and indicated the shower. I didn’t see the need for a shower, as I already had one in the morning, but I did her bidding.

“A beautiful young lady approached me…” pic from Unsplash

After I had the shower, there she was, with not a stitch on, sitting on the edge of the bed. She invited me to join her in the bed, and I lay on it face down, as it was my back which needed massaging. Then to my amazement, she started massaging my buttocks, forcing her hand through to massage my organ. I tried to resist, but was unable so to do. In no time at all she had turned me on my back, and was straddling me like a cowgirl, and somehow she had managed to force my organ into her, and started pushing and pulling for all she was worth. Thus trapped underneath that person, I was completely at her mercy, with no will of my own. And before I could do or say anything, she had induced an orgasm in me. I left the premises £85 the poorer.

I think you will agree that if a customer walks in a commercial place expecting one product, and ending up with something completely different, the law would have been broken. I demand justice, viz, a full refund.

Thanking you for your courteous reaction to my complaint,

I remain,

Right Honourable Madam,

Yours sincerely

John Smith