Buy One Get Four
How to write flash fiction
I. God Knows I Struggled…
The moment I set eyes on Trudy on the first day of term, I knew she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Blonde, blue eyes, high cheekbones, her laughter like Christmas bells ringing. But I hesitated. Why would a stunner like her be interested in an idiot like me? But a couple of pints in me did the talking and wooing, and she did not seem to mind my clumsy attempts at chatting her up.
I am the first to admit that I am not every mother’s dream of the boy for her daughter. Not that I ain’t bright, but simply can’t be bothered. Much prefer to spend time hanging out with the lads than doing homework. Mind you I’m good with engines. Todd has the knack, they say, he can take a motorbike apart in an hour and put it all back in half!
In a week we were an item. I was right besotted. Although I’m usually tongue-tied in company, with her I felt so relaxed that I could not stop talking. To impress her, I have no doubt.
When I started on a topic, if she demurred, I’d steer clear of it. I once got started on the Pakis, and she frowned. I knew which topics to steer clear of. But I must admit that all my mates and I have been involved in Paki-bashing. Once we beat the living daylights out of a couple of gays who were making out on the commons. I now know that was wrong.
She rarely talked about herself, so I knew next to nothing about her, apart from the fact that I’d die if she said she didn’t want to see me anymore.
One day I saw her with a dusky broad. Her sister Em, she said.
But she is a darkie, I managed not to blurt out. It transpired that her dad was of Jamaican origin but her mum was pure Yorkshire. I said nothing all afternoon.
My mind was made up. I needed to tell her that she and I were finished, but kept doing nothing. I wanted to do it elegantly. I wasn’t going to blurt out, You’re an effing nigger, so piss off. God knows I struggled to find the words. But I could not shake her image from my inner eye. My mates would not just take the piss; I feared that Tom might even go physical on me_ and he’s into knives and things, a real psycho.
The thought of a life without Trudy made my blood grow cold. It was as if the earth had opened up in front of me. That’s what death must be like, I thought.
Me mates and I had always cold shouldered the Blackies in our class, although we no longer seek aggro with them. So I was surprised that after football practice one afternoon, I winked at Winston.
‘Can I buy you a drink on our way home?’ He seemed surprised, shrugged and smiled back.
II. Ferenc
‘My name is Ferenc,’ he said, ‘but call me Frank.’ He had arrived in this country in 56, when Russians tanks invaded Budapest. He had made a lot of money as a plumber, and had been the happiest of men, married to the most wonderful woman on earth. She died last year. Suddenly he handed me a small wad of twenties. Two hundred, for you. I was new to the job, and thought I was going to like it. I was going to give him the best fuck in his life after this, and started peeling off. He shook his head violently, and opening his bag with trembling fingers, he handed me a cotton nightie with small embroidered blue flowers asking me to put it on. I didn’t show my surprise. To my amazement, he took his own clothes off and put on a pair of pyjamas. Now he takes a comb from his breast pocket, and signals to me that he wanted to comb my hair.
Ferenc is now combing my hair backwards, in a fifties style, but what the hell, he is paying. We are now in bed. Can I put my arm around you, he asks. I press myself against his limp cock, and he shakes his head. Funny guy, we’re not gonna get anywhere fast, I am thinking. I am surprised to see tears in his eyes. Suddenly he starts speaking Hungarian; I only pick two syllables “had viga, had viga.” I am lost, and decide to make a grab for his dick, but he reacts rather violently to that. Frank, what is it you want, darling? I ask.
‘Snore,’ he said, ‘snore … had viga.’
‘Oh, viagra?’ Of course, I was so stupid; he was as limp as a jelly sausage; he wanted to take viagra. I get up and fill a glass with water.
‘You should have taken your viagra half an hour before coming in,’ I said; he declined the glass.
‘No, miss, like Jadviga, my dear departed wife, snore …’
Snore like his dead wife.
I tried to snore, but ended up giggling, which annoyed the client. ‘Snore like Jadwiga, and I give you another hundred,’ he entreated. I took a deep breath and tried again, but was unable to repress my giggling fit.
‘Another hundred … snore please … horkolash…’ The thought of so much money should have concentrated my mind, but my giggling fit redoubled. Finally Ferenc sat up and angrily ordered me to take the nightie off.
‘You are a disgrace to the memory of my dear wife,’ he said, ‘a saint if there ever was one.’
He had not come for sex, he explains, what sort of man did I take him for? He missed his dear wife, he just wanted to pretend that he was sleeping next to Jadwiga. Muttering to himself all the time, he changed into his proper clothes, and as he left, he said, ‘kurwa, kurwa, never again, never again.’
III. John Smith
Unsurprisingly he presented himself as John Smith. He had booked me for an hour. After he had paid up, I took him downstairs into the room, dimmed the light and showed him the shower. When he came out, I helped him dry himself, and as I was already in my flimsies, we were soon in bed, ready for action. But he was not in a hurry. It is not uncommon for the client to want to chat a bit first, and it makes no difference to me, I get paid all the same.
Without coming off the bed he reached for the briefcase that he had dropped on the floor, and opening it, took an elaborate camera out.
Perhaps you want to see some photos of my family, he said. Whatever gives them the idea we’re interested in their families? Yes, sure, I said.
First there were the twins, Jack and jill. They were cute enough. On their fifth birthday, their sixth birthday, their seventh. At the swimming pool, on the swing in the garden, the trampoline. This one is when she lost a tooth. He must have shown me fifty pics of the wretched twins, with copious descriptions of the circumstances, the type of film he had used, the exposure, the aperture … I had to try hard to suppress a yawn. I was thinking, if he means to get some action he had better start soon, but after the twins there was the smallest one, in nappies, having a tantrum, in the paddling pool, and again accompanied by precise descriptions of the context.
Fifty minutes had elapsed and still nothing had happened. He’d need time if he wanted to have another shower and five minutes at least to get dressed. Tactfully I mentioned this.
Good heavens, he said, how quickly time passes when we’re having fun. I hope I haven’t bored you, have I? He got out of bed and began to get dressed.
No, of course not,’ I said.
‘Then I’ll come again next week, I’ve got loads more to show you.’
IV. The Explanation
You have to admit that them queers are disgustin’. What they do is against nature. Didn’t Hitler get rid of them in his gas chambers? And what do we do? We encourage them, we pass laws protecting them, clause 28 and the like. No wonder no one respects us any more. I ain’t sayin’ I approve of queer-bashing, I am against violence in principle, all I’m saying is that we should not be encouraging them.
Still, I mind my own business and break no law. In a year I was going to finish my apprenticeship and become a fully-fledged sparky. Even Dad said I’d done good. I had just broken with Natalie, but I weren’t worried. Never ’ad no difficulty meeting birds. Always fancied the true Anglo-Saxon, slim and long-legged blonde. The Aryan type if you will. You can’t blame me, can ya?
Then I met Tanya. To look at, she like the bespoke chick of my dreams. Yes, long-legged, blue-eyed and blonde. Must have been love at first sight for the both of us. She’s quite hot she is, loves French kissing and all that. Course I want to do it, and she says sure, but she ain’t ready. Wouldn’t even let me touch her there. I respect that though I ain’t best pleased.
I tell her I want lots of kids, and ’twas when she said that perhaps we can adopt that my antennae begin to twitch, but I keep schtum. Then one day Paddy explodes the bomb. In front of all me mates he cackles aloud. She’s a bleeding bloke, your Tanya, was you hidin’ it from us. I could have strangled him.
Obviously she’s made an ass of me. Who did she take me for? A bloody queer? A shirt-lifter? an o-mo-sek-suall? An effing pervert? No bloody way. I’m a full-blooded white male. English.
She needs to be taught a lesson. We go to the park. It is cold and windy and there’s nobody else there. I take ’er by the scruff, look into her eyes, and she begins to tremble. She knows I know. I feel feverish hot all over, recognise that my anger is beyond control. I jess wanna teach her a lesson, but madness takes over and I don’t know what I’m doing. I know my fingers are closing round her neck, I can see her eyes bulge out, but it is as if I am watching this from a distance, I have no control. I feel her body go limp, and I let her collapse on the ground like a pack of cards. I knew I had killed er, but honest, I wasn’t meaning to.
