Another Day in Court
The Judge is seated at his high table, and the prisoner, a witch, is led to her box.
Judge
Today we have a very serious case of witchcraft to judge. In our country we take this very seriously, and I promise a very severe sentence to the accused when we find her guilty.
The witch is very good-humoured woman in her forties, and she smiles and salutes the audience, winks at some, and is clearly unafraid.
Judge
Accused, I have a long list of accusations here, and I will read them out. Will you listen carefully.
Prisoner makes a sign that she will.
Judge
Right, first offence: After a violent dispute with widow Smith, you promised her that you were going to do something which will make her regret crossing sword with you.
Witch
Too right I did.
Judge
Tell the court exactly what you did and what was the result.
Witch
Right your worship.
Judge
Honour.
Witch
Honour who? Or should I say honour whom?
Judge
You said, Right your worship…
Witch
I’m just a witch, not the mayor. Why you call me Your worship. Mind you, if I wanted to become the mayor, I’d wrangle it.
Judge
Don’t call me your worship, just address me as Your honour.
Witch
OK, your honour. You asked me what I did. And with what result. Well, I cast a spell on her stable and her cows’ milk tap could not be opened. Not one drop. She shouldn’t ha’ crossed me. And she went bankrupt and sold the farm.
Judge
So you plead guilty?
Witch
I don’t know about guilty, but between you and me … or is it between you and I? … I was responsible. Aye.
Judge
Item 2. That after an interminable feud with the parish priest you made all his waxes melt on the day he was celebrating a special mass for Lord Grabhall.
Witch
Aye, I did that. He said in his sermon that my
witchcraft was fake, that I had no real power. I had to show him.
Judge
So what the priest said was true?
Witch
Do priests lie?
Judge
The third case here is that … (reads) On the night Lord Grabhall was receiving the Prime Minister, you did by pure witchcraft make all the windows of his dining room shatter into smithereens while they were at table.
Witch
I wasn’t sure it would work, it was a new trick, and lo and behold, it worked like a miracle, he! he! he!
Judge
We have seventeen more crimes on the list here, but we already have enough to go on. Are you putting on a defence.
Witch
Not much point. I did more than those 20 misdemeanours you have before your eyes.
Judge
Before I pass sentence, is there anything you wish to say?
Witch
Aye, lots. I am steeped in witchcraft, I know all the tricks of the trade, I can inflict diseases, barrenness, drought, eczema, impotence, breathlessness, insomnia, incontinence, you name it. I am not wicked, I only ever use my gifts for revenge … aye, I’m resentful and if I’ve got a grudge, just watch it. Send me to the stake, I’ll make sure the smoke from my burning flesh will reach your eyes and blind you. Very apt, wouldn’t you say, Justice being blind, he! he ! he! he! … he!
Judge
Why would I send you to the stake lady, the case against you being unproven
