Acts of Gross Indecency
(Theatre of the absurd)
Room inside old lady’s flat in high rise building. She is very frail and can only walk with a Zimmer. She is waiting for a knock on her door, and in a short while it comes. She drags herself towards the door and peeps through the peephole.
Old Lady: You … have made it finally. I’ve been waiting for ages.
She struggles with the chain and opens it gingerly.
Old Lady: You can’t be too careful … I know you’re in uniform, but …
She finally opens the door and lets in two police officers, one a man, the other a woman.
Old Lady: I am not going to ask you to show me your police ID, because how do I know that they’re not fake? I’ll have to take it on trust.
Woman: (humouring her) You’re right of course, ma’am, but DC Anna Bell and DS Bill Bull at your service. You talked of suspicious goings on …
Man: You mean criminal activity?
Old Lady: You can say that again. They might be Russian spies for all I know. Please be seated … if you are who you say you are.
The officers chuckle and sit opposite the Old Lady.
Old Lady: Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. My little joke, you know, to relieve tensions, as they say.
Man: What seems to be the problem?
Old Lady: Where shall I begin?
Woman: How about at the beginning.
Old Lady: I come from a very respectable family, you know. Poor but nobody could point a finger at us _
Man: No need to go so far back in your history. We meant the beginning of trouble.
Old Lady: No, I mean I … eh … I ain’t ever done no harm to nobody in my life. I’ve lived a life of chastity and prayers … I was never exposed!
Woman: Exposed?
Old Lady: To the corruption that is life. My dear father, God bless his soul, made sure I was protected. But these goings on must stop.
Man: Goings-on?
Old Lady: Yes. Christian eyes should never have to witness such filth, lewdness, decadence …
Man: Can you be more precise? Can you describe the facts_
Old Lady: But I can’t! I cannot say the words that need to be said. My tongue would burn.
Woman: But ma’am, unless you tell us, we’d have nothing to go by.
Old Lady: I suppose there’s no other way. May the Good Lord forgive me.
Man: He will, he will.
Woman looks at him suspiciously, as if asking, “how do you know?”
Old Lady: Them couple opposite … they’re at it day and night.
Man: At what?
Woman: Surely you know what she means, Bill.
Man: Go on then …
Old Lady: With their windows open for the world to witness their … vileness, their rudeness … acts of gross indecency.
Woman: Ma’am, do you mean they indulge in sexual intercourse?
Old Lady: (Screams in horror) I won’t have words like that used in my house_
Man: You mean sexual activity … but surely that’s not illegal … or sinful!
Old Lady: Isn’t there a law against fucking in public?
The officers stare at her.
Old Lady: I’m only using that word because you used worse first. You said intercourse.
Man: But ma’am this is the fifteenth floor… the couple must be on what? the same _
Old Lady: Seventeenth floor actually.
Officers: Show us exactly.
Old Lady drags herself towards the window and points in a diagonal direction. The Officers look at it, then at each other. They shake their heads.
Woman: Can’t see a thing, it’s too far anyway.
Man: Can’t see a thing either. How can you?
Old Lady: (tut tutting and shaking her head) Course I can. You can’t see anything because … (offering her visitors a pair of binoculars) first you need to use these, and then you have to stand on the table!
