Achieving Monsterhood and Ogreship

Man with the droopy blue penis

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

May his wisdom increase and his girth decrease

Was born his mother’s and his father’s son

With characteristics, some hers and others his.

Neither could claim monsterhood or ogreship

If the boy had ambition in that direction

He’d better learn how to steer his own ship

And not wreck it on the rocks of salvation.

He taught himself to tell lies at a young age

To stick his snot on doors walls and windows

To spit in father Stanley’s beverage

And piss on mummy’s broad beans and marrows

But aged ten he was no more than a useless brat

A far cry from monsterhood or ogreship

And though hard he tried he long remained just like that

All through his boring Eton teenageship.

He’d expected to make progress at Balliol

He had fed and fine-tuned his villainy

Caroused, whored, cheated, and fought with guys and dolls

But of sign of progress there wasn’t any.

This is when he joined the Bullington Club

Hoping for a fruitful life of fun and scandal

And limitless scope to create healthy hubbub

But it only made him one scummy vandal.

Failing to get a first at Oxenford

Was no impediment to quick advancement

For the entitled man who mixed with dukes and lords

Soon he was the Telegraph’s man of the moment

At the Brussels desk creating wilful mischief

Inventing headlines and copying lies

Not always picked up by his editor-in-chief

Which saw him thrive and prosper and rise and rise.

But slippery monsterhood still eluded him

He needed serious misdemeanours on his card

Having only earned medals for plagiarism

But to gain monsterhood he would strive very hard

He became master of the use of omission

Developed to a t the use of the weasel word

Perfected Exaggeration,and diminution

Was a deserved recipient of the Golden Turd.

Born a wanker he became an adulterer

Happily sowing his seeds all over the place

To a good few babies becoming the father

Denying that his behaviour was a disgrace

He and his best friend planned some gangster-style beating

On the person of a hostile journo who dared

Accuse Darius the etonian puppy of cheating

Laughing it off as a prank when the facts were bared

As Mayor he wasted rate payer’s money

On grotesque vanity projects and schemes

And preposterous Johnsonian baloney

Impractical and nonsensical pipe dreams

But monsterhood or ogreship were still unearned

As is known, many are called but few are chosen

He began to despair but some lessons he’d learnt

He was not one to hesitate to cozen.

He won Brexit following it with the premiership

But you need at least one death on your conscience

And it would seem the prize is now within his grip.

He’s now within inches of the full monster licence.

He will owe this accolade to the pandemic.

He lacked the talent for the role of prime min’ster

The job requires more than a few gimmicks

He never had any patience to register

Details and small print, a joke’s not always enough

His credo, stick some plaster over the blister

And then have recourse to bluster and bluff

Until he’s rescued by an adult with common sense

One day he’s all for herd immunity

The next day he vows to follow the science

He changes his mind in blissful serenity

To lockdown or not to lockdown that is the question

But first he needs to know what the voters think

With in mind the next general election

He’s willing to take the country to the brink

Though scientific advisers say shut the town

He’d rather see dead bodies piling up

Sky high than order another fucking lockdown

The newspapers did not make that thing up

His approach to the current calamity

Was always bound to be hazy and erratic

As he never saw the pandemic with clarity

One day a lax game-plan the next more drastic

Britain narrowly missed out on the bronze

But fourth out of two hundred countries

Is quite an achievement he reckons

Must not mistake the forest for the trees.

One-eight of a million deaths, half preventable

Making him a fit and proper blackguard

On the strength of this achievement execrable

To become the recipient of the award

He has worked for earning the desired status

And as a result it is only fair to confer

On him what he richly deserves, the prize portentous

“Rise Sir Ogre de Pfeffel Monster

Prizewinning playwright. Mathematician. Teacher. Professional Siesta addict.